The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
