somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
