Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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