I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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