I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
