please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
