Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
