If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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