I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
