i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
