The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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