I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
