She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
