when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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