I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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