Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
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I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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