You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
