Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
