You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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