I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
