i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
