If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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