my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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