tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
