if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
