there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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