Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
