just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The Olympian is in my bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
