I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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