I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
