I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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