After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
