Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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