sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
