I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
