even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
