drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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