I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
