NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
