you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
