If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
