dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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