I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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