Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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