Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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