The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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