I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
