Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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