yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
