She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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