Apparently you make a good broom.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
