I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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