You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Two words: blizzard sex
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The air taste purple.
Randomize
