It's like God shit irony all over that family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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