i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
