Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what day is it and did you see me today?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
