We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
