Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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