halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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