Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
