it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
