Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
