you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
