i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
