Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
